A sleepless night, fragments of visuals flash in my mind. Music, it always begin with music. These thoughts keep coming. Meaning, meaningless? Sense, senseless? One original idea, cheap duplicates? Can't believe I am debating this in my head? I must be going crazy, little by little...they are an extension, a continuation from what I have started earlier. Similar ideas, similar surroundings, but slight variations and they seem to evolve each time they surface, like our self, each passing day, we change, without us noticing it. A bride running away from love, a young girl running towards love, a pair of high heels they both had fallen in love with, but would never know what it holds for them until they bumped into one another on a special Sunday afternoon. I think I could almost see the title to my short film...gosh!! It slips away again...
But we all figure things out naturally, don't we? Is love an addiction, like how some can be potentially addicted to a life in the fast lane, with creative juices flowing but has to be fueled by the sensations of drugs? It is a life not hard to imagine and let alone, be translated vividly on screen, with such direct and frank approach to the subject matter. Maggie Cheung to me is one of those rare gems of actress in Asia (apart from Gong Li). As time goes by, she has proven to be a matured and smart actress by being selective in the work that she chose to be involved in and of course, her acting has also evolved along 
the way (just look at her in Wong Kar Wai's In The Mood For Love). Though she confessed, in her interview that she has not lived a life like how her character Emily in the film had, but after making the film, she could almost understood completely how much pain Emily had gone through to get her life straightened out and stay "clean" so that she could finally get to see her son. That sort of emotional journey is definitely a real one. Motherhood is something so magically beautiful yet weighed down with such enormous chains of responsibilities and commitments that one could 
barely comprehend if one is still not yet a mother. It is almost like second nature - it is like your own breathing, so precious that you feel you could instantly collapse if something were to happen to your child. You feel as though your life is being sucked right out of your body and rendered you paralyze beyond recognition. When we first came back from Vancouver two years ago, Aidan (my second son) was ill and could not eat and cried all night for more than a week. My emotion was crushed to the bone and was heartbroken to see how much weight he had lost then. But luckily, he got better. I never wanted to feel like that ever again but how could I say no? What the future holds is beyond my control. Sometimes, you feel so helpless but you
could only stay strong to face whatever that is coming your way. No wonder in Buddhism, the day we were born into this world, the day we all known as "birthday" is termed Mu Nan Ri (in Mandarin) which literally translated to mean "The Day Your Mother Suffers" (sounds so vulgar). It should be a day when we not only celebrate with candles and cakes and all the nice and sweet things in life, but to also remember the hardships and potentially life threatened danger that our mothers had to endure to bring us into this world. A day when all mothers should be remembered and celebrated 
together with. All right, enough said about being a mother. Let's talk about the film, CLEAN. I love Maggie's subtle gestures in the film - the way she moves, the way she lights her cigarette, the way she bites her fingers nervously before seeing her son for the first time after such a long time of separation, the way she starts breaking down in front of Nick Nolte, learning that her son refuses to see her...Maggie basically anchors down the role of Emily, the addicted yet determined mother so immaculately that it seemed almost natural for her. She definitely deserves to be awarded Best Actress at the 2004 Cannes Film Festival. 
Of course, Nick Nolte is such a huge actor and he fits the forgiving and somewhat understanding role of her father-in-law perfectly in the film. Some of my favourite scenes: Maggie bringing her son on a motorbike ride along the busy roads of Paris, Meeting Nick Nolte and expecting to see her son but she broke down and cried for the son didn't want to see her, Finally breaking down in her friend's apartment admitting to the excruciating pain that she was feeling with her life in general. 
In the end, Emily as a character did get to live the dream that she had always been dreaming of. It symbolizes her final achievements in her roller coaster ride kind of life style after all. It is one hell of a film, a film that will make a dent in your heart and no doubt, it is one of the best films that one could hope for - personal yet deeply resonates a greater message in the mind of anyone, not just mothers. Maggie sings pretty well too!
going into the film without much expectation, I started watching Vanity Fair, mostly because of Reese Witherspoon for I like her in Walk The Line (very much) and Just Like Heaven. Apart from beautifully photographed, I could not seem to anchor my emotions for Becky Sharp and the journey that she had to go through to survive in that ruthless high society back then. Sometimes, it felt contrived, for instance, the scene where she dances that Indian dance. For me, it felt more like it was put there for Mira Nair wanted to show the Indian influence then and not so much to support the storyline. The same goes to the ending of the film - 
the colourful parade down the Indian street with the elephants and the cheerful crowd. But then, I have to say that the production designer, Maria Djurkovis and costume designer, Beatrix Aruna Pasztor both did a great job in the film for the costumes are a feast to the eyes and the set designs were marvelous. Other than that, it just seemed like a stylishly done film that could have been great but merely entertaining without much soul. I do believe it's always the hardest to strike a balance between aesthetics (style) and real content (substance) or more importantly, how to remain true to the art of simple storytelling. 
wrote the play, for his writing is so poetic yet satirical and witty in so many ways, it works to subtly, with a blend of hit-you-right-on-your-face type of brutality towards reality and truthfulness in dealing with the issues of people who are living and surviving with AIDS and how human react in a homosexual environment. I love Al Pacino for his intense portrayal of this real life character called Roy Cohn. He plays it so bad to the bone that you could really hate his guts but somehow empathise with him in the struggle of his final moments confronting death in a hospital. I guess it shows that no matter how powerful and glorious a man can be when he is alive, ultimate fate does 
not grant him any exceptions in life. My most vivid memory of Meryl Streep was many years ago watching her in The Bridge of Madison County, those heartbreaking moments where the car she was in moves further and further away from the one she loves (Clint Eastwood), rain pouring outside, how sad indeed. I have always loved her acting (especially in The Hours). Here, she plays Hannah Pitt, the mother to Joe Pitt (played by Patrick Wilson), a guy who grew up in a strict religious family yet struggles with his own true sexual identity, as well as with his forever disillusioned wife, Harper (played by Mary-Louise Parker). She would always imagine herself traveling through different dimensions, with the help of a dream travel agent 
(also doubled by Jeffrey Wright). An interesting character to watch out for. Meryl Streep also plays another real life character, Ethel Rosenberg, a ghost who frequently visits Roy in the hospital to haunt him for the bad things he had done to her ,as well as the Rabbi. Emma Thompson looks stunningly beautiful in this film for she plays the 
between the chaotic world of our two lead homosexual lovers - Prior Walter (played by Justin Kirk) and Luios Ironson (played by Ben Shenkman). When Prior was diagnosed with AIDS, Luios could not handle the truth and pressure and left Prior to deal with the ordeal. Hence, begins an unbelievable yet imaginative journey (and physical struggles) of Prior (mainly from his point of view) to deal with his ever deteriorating condition - the decaying of the body, mind, spirit 
and most importantly, hurt by the lost of love from the one he loved the most. Nonetheless, supports from his friends, Belize and later, Hannah keeps him going. A very down to earth yet philosophical look at some heavy issues in this century of humankind existence - ultimately, to find love and to be loved, no matter what sexual preferences one may have. I guess this is what each individual should be entitled for and should strive to attain in life. Definitely a must watch!
